The last 10 months have been turbulent, I’ve found strength in pain and pain in strength. My head has tricked me, confused me and lied to me. It has given me faith but then trapped me, picked me up and then dropped me. Not a minute goes by without something stupid, unlawful and inappropriate going through my head which then triggers the anxiety, sometimes as often as every 30 seconds.
Imagine loving someone- friends, family, partners – the ones who give you hope. In your head something is telling you you’ve let them down, you’ve cheated or you’ve lied. You know deep down you never would; you’re faithful and morally against it but you live with the guilt of your imagination. Thoughts of days out, nights out become clouded over with imaginary scenarios – “imagine if i did this”, “imagine if i didn’t do that”. This is OCD….This is Me.
A silly thought to most would just be a silly thought. Most would just move on however I can’t. I’m sat here now trying to convince myself i’m a bad person, things are good but i’m telling myself they’re not. I can’t control my thoughts, my thoughts control me. Every day is a battle. It’s been over 10 years now. With most things you pursue for this long, you’d think i’d have figured out a way to make it easier for myself.… It is at times but the fall is faster and harder. OCD causes the most confusing state of mind, severe anxiety and a sorry state of depression soon follows.
OCD to most is doing something in a certain order, obsessively cleaning, checking car doors etc. Some people who struggle the way I do with OCD would say this isn’t OCD, i disagree. This is OCD, and can be as frustrating, i know it myself. Mine started like this from an early age. The worse I get the more the “dos” creep back in. I can walk to work and stand on a grate, something in my head would tell me i need to stand on it again or maybe a bad thing would happen. It’s gruelling, mentally tiring and to be honest bloody stupid, but thats OCD.
I live for the moment, fight for the good days and constantly fight against the bad. I fight because i’m lucky. I have the best girlfriend, family, friends and with this strong support network, I honestly believe one day i’ll be okay! In the meantime lets help each other, don’t suffer in silence. Let’s talk mental health. Be nice to everyone, simple! You honestly don’t know what battle they might be facing too!
Oly – Run4YourMind